“Would it were day!” This line from Henry V by Shakespeare came to me as Mark and I were discussing our feelings surrounding Thomas’ scans. We both agreed we have peace whatever the outcome; that is not a question. It is the waiting, the living in the not-yet that is hard. We plead and plead again for Thomas to be cancer-free, for his life to continue, for him to flourish in good health. That is the cry of our hearts and the pleading of our prayers. Each night at dinner Theo asks to pray and each time he says, in a jumble of words, “PleaseletThomascancerbealgone.” Translation – Please let Thomas’ cancer be all gone. Yes, we ask it again and again. After going through this, I think waiting is the hardest thing, not the knowing, the waiting.
In the play, Henry V, the French say, “Would it were day!” again and again as they think about defeating the English at the Battle of Agincourt. Anxious for certain victory and glory, they crow over their might and strength. I don’t think that is our feeling exactly; we are not arrogant in the outcome but we would like to just know. Good thing I have six kids for which to care and birthdays to celebrate because it doesn’t leave much time to sit and think. Saturday, I felt a heavy weight on my chest. I kept taking deep breaths, trying to push the weight away. Then Sunday came with worship and birthdays and here it is Monday and we have found plenty of things to occupy ourselves. So we wait for two more days. It will be here soon enough and we will know. Yes, we will know.
Thomas and Sophia had a fabulous camp and Thomas did his duty and ate lots of food. Well, lots of food for him right now. We should buy stock in Kind Bars because he eats about three a day. He might turn into a nut with all of the nuts he consumes. They played music hour after hour and had fun with their friends. Thomas didn’t lose any weight, even without the feeding tube. A fact, he pointed out, that should be celebrated. We took the four remaining kids for a hike in Boulder Saturday, which was fun except for Theo crying most of the time. He thought we were torturing him until he saw the boulders he could climb. He alternated between sobbing and shouting, “Look, Dad, I climb that BIG rock!” When a hiker complimented him on being a good climber, he responded, “Yes, I am.” Nothing like a little humility. 🙂
Sunday we celebrated Theo and Eva’s birthdays with our families and the godparents. Theo will be three tomorrow and Eva will turn ten on Sunday. It is a blessing to have life being lived in the midst of uncertainty. Doing the next thing is the best thing right now. As much as we would like, there is no hurrying Wednesday. It will come in its allotted time and staying here, this moment, is the only solution. So we savor these moments. Today Thomas, Eva, and Mercedes played in their first recital of the year. A definite moment to savor.