It is funny how things seem to be fine until, suddenly, they are definitely not fine anymore. Life proceeds from one day to the next and there are highs and lows with each day but then the cumulative effect of all the highs and lows (mostly the lows) catches up with one. It is hard to say what precipitates the realization of being broken and empty, unable to give more, full of tears, feeling the pain of it all. Maybe it is a break in the intense nursing, or the inner dawning of “this is my life”, or the reality of the broken bodies we inhabit. Whatever it is, the time has come for more crying and sitting with sadness. God’s presence has been a tangible presence over the last few weeks. I have been filled and filled again with His love in a soul-satisfying way. Now comes the darkness and I know He knew and strengthened me for this time. I was thinking of Elijah today, after he defeated the prophets of Baal-a spiritual victory, and his experience of emptiness and feelings of abandonment. Sometimes after moments of clarity, seeing God, knowing His love, black times come and it is hard to remember the sun.
Well, here I sit, feeling empty and tired. And this too shall pass. But I sit until it passes and after the ranting of today, working out the inside stuff, I turn and look Christ in the face and sing. It is the only thing that keeps me from being swallowed up. Singing in church today spoke the love of God into my depths. I cling to praise as a life-raft in the midst of a swirling ocean. When all around my feet gives way, He then is all my hope and stay. Yes, He is my hope and stay. The sadness is palpable, the pain near but so is His presence. There is always, always comfort in the turning.
Mark is feeling frustrated. His itching has returned and he is still feeling crummy from the procedure he had last Monday. So, not only does he itch but the very procedure that was supposed to bring relief has only brought pain. Grrrr…..
My voice is a little weaker, my heart heavier, but I am still singing with my scratchy voice and tear-filled eyes. Thomas is vomit-free and I am unbelievably thankful for that.